Gaslighting Compiled by David Nancarrow
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1 It is a form of Psychological Manipulation; it questions your own memory perception.
2. They are blatant liars – when you realize this you will start to question everything they say?
3. They deny saying something if questioned about it. No, my dear that is not what I said, you must have dreamt it and thought I said it. You start to doubt yourself and your sanity.
4. They use what you care about the most to manipulate you. This can be very hurtful and toxic. They can attack anything about you, what you want to do, get fit, do some study, work, lose weight, they attack your sense of worth, they use anything too undermine your character this is psychological terror. You can fill you ARE losing your mind! Nothing feels safe. They tell you how terrible you are, you’re such a lousy partner, lousy in bed lets spice it up, your body is not sexy enough. It can all be about the sex.
5. They wear you down with their constant interrogation. What have you been doing? Instead of generally being interested in your day. Who have you seen or been talking to? It can be very predictable, and a pattern forms. It makes you feel exhausted and weary it should not be this hard.
6. Their words do not match their actions. This can be very confusing. This can look like having a blow up and then act as though nothing has happened and then wants sex.
7. They can suddenly be nice and praise and compliment you. You can think maybe they are not so bad. See these are the good times. You start to make excuses for their actions. You defend their behavior by saying they’re under a lot of stress now.
8. Their goal is to confuse you. By flipping you sense of reality. The aim is to get you to doubt your sanity. So, you rely on them for the source of information. It stops you having your own opinion or question them. Remember last time you question them! You live to regret it. This undermines your confidence and wellbeing. Your mental health deteriorates.
9. They project on to you. For example, they will accuse you of miss managing the money, gambling, watching porn, having an affair, that you are so judgmental, you are crazy, and get so angry, you are delusional. But they are most likely doing these things not you! If you do defend yourself, they are continuing their own terrorizing behavior. Watch for this pattern of abuse. How to respond to a gas lighter.
1. Try not to humiliate them – they are often troubled people, with very low self-esteem. They portray confidence but deep within them they are living with fear and insecurity. Don’t attack them. Stay true to your values. If you can’t point any basic facts without it being twisted back to you – maybe there is nothing to save in the relationship. This is not a once off episode this is a pattern of destructive (love) patterns. I put love in brackets because it may not be love at all what you are experiencing.
2. Stay calm – respond to their accusations and threats in the right way. This is very difficult to do. A gas lighter wants to rattle you and cause you to become emotional and irrational so they can say – say you’re crazy. You may be able to tell them the parts of the conversation that you disagree with but anything you say will be twisted and used back on you. This can appear very illogical. For example you may state a fact and they reply, ‘So why did you bring this up – your gas lighting me. You keep changing your views when in fact you have remain very consistent. Disagreeing with someone is not gaslighting them.
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3. Don’t second guess yourself this will weaken your position and what you say. If you find you are second guessing yourself, seek a trusted friend outside the relationship that might be a balanced perspective. Often friends or even other family members have been bringing to your attention to this toxic relationship, but you haven’t believed them. You may want the abuse to stop because you genuinely love them, or this person seems important in your life. How would you live with out them. You may think that leaving might be worse than staying.
4. Seek professional help: You might want to stay, leave or you are recovering from a gaslighting relationship. Therapy can help have another professional perspective. The gas lighter often resists getting help. It is often the one being gaslit is seeking to mend repair the relationship by seeking professional help.
5. Don’t feel bad about leaving. This can be a very difficult time - you question yourself could I have done anything more to save the relationship – it wasn’t all bad – will they change?
6. Remember the really bad times, remember it was you that kept wanting to get help. You often said sorry for things, but they never said sorry or accepted any responsibility for their behaviour.
7. Be clear on your convictions you want out of the relationship. The gas lighter will make this difficult for you – spread rumors about you and say things that are not rue – This can be very distressing, but it shows their true colours. Let this last stage confirm to you that you made the right decision. Things to be aware of in your new life. (Please seek professional support through this stage)
1. You might not realize the amount of stress you are carrying in your body, mind, and soul. Often people get physically sick because the amount of the large amount of stress hormone cortisol pumping around their body. When cortisol starts to drop off the byproduct is that you can get physically sick, like a cold or flu. Should this happen it is a good sign that’s your body repairing.
2. Seek out a professional to speak with. Keep going to counselling. Your mind will need time to develop new neuron pathways of thinking.
3. Your mind needs to think correctly again. You may not have realised that when you were in the relationship how bad things became. When you leave, it can all come to the surface. You need a safe place with a trusted wise friend or a counsellor to unpack all of this.
4. Work on your discovering your self-identity, self-worth, and confidence. This area can be a very wobbly time post leaving. You need to learn how to love yourself again. This can be a difficult area for some who have relied on the opinion of the gas lighter for their sense of worth.
5. Start believing in yourself again - you can have a life that you want and deserve. Seeking a new partner:
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1. One way to see if a partner is any good is to see how they treat other people. For example, how do they treat all the women or males in their life? If for example a particular male treats all the women in his life - sister, mother, aunty, grandmother, girlfriends, ex-wife badly then this is a sure sign that you will not be treated any differently. If a person treats all the males in their life the same way then this will continue. It is about their behaviour not who you are. It can be difficult to find this out, but you can watch and asked questions especially to the person’s mother. Ask are they a good person. Most parents will tell the truth. Or if you get a bad reaction from them, ask yourself what does that say what are they hiding?
2. Often a gas lighter can be one thing to the world and completely another thing behind closed doors. To the world they seem to others the nicest person. I have asked myself how can this be possible? Why do they change? All I can conclude is that they decide to do it. Some think they can’t help it or don’t know what they are doing or blame some other reasons. Does a gas lighter know they are gaslighting? It is my strong belief is that they know exactly what they are doing. Their behavior is deliberate not random it is planned and executed exactly the way they want it to go. When you realize this, you start to understand the intentions behind their actions.